I'm definitely a "control freak", but I have zero interest in controlling others.
This page is a stub, created on 2020-07-15 (last updated on 2021-01-14). Its contents are notes on the issues and angles I want to address about this topic.
- connection to autonomy and allergy to authority
- connection to (laissez-faire) capitalism and freedom
- connection to power
- how it sometimes manifests in a reverse psychology way (eg, "I was going to do that, but now that you told me to do it, I don't want to anymore.")
- connection to requests versus demands, entitlement, imposing on autonomy
- whether feelings of being out of control intensify fixations on what I can control, such as diet, organizing things, investigating dermatological phenomena
- why controlling others doesn't interest me (deeply held/integrated belief that turning other people into puppets robs you of their distinctive human value to you)
- why intentionally not creating choices/incentives for people (in order to get desired outcomes) is not the same thing as control, even though it may superficially have a similar feel
- coercive control (eg, physical force or fraud) versus technically-rights-respecting manipulation
- connection to parenting
- control versus self-expression, per Susan Campbell's Getting Real: 10 Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life: when attempting to be sensitive to what I imagine is going on with someone amounts to a subconscious motive to control the situation
- not respecting their autonomy/dignity to be responsible for their own interpretations/reactions/behavior
- I imagine that I know your Attachment Style, so I will not express myself (treat you with kid gloves) for fear of triggering you and not getting the result I want.
- I imagine I know what else might be going on with you that you're too distraught to interpret what I tell you correctly, so I won't say anything at all.
- Not saying what is because I'm imagining that you will be upset, so I'll just tiptoe around you to avoid triggering your wrath/rage.
- line-drawing problem and coming to a mutual understanding of standards of interaction
- connection to Kim Scott's "ruinous empathy" concept in Radical Candor; maybe better termed "toxic sensitivity" here?