I got a text message from Adam yesterday for the first time since I reached out to him in December on the anniversary of our meeting. He needed some tax documents and commented on a few other things I don't want to get into here. I responded later that evening, and the whole experience was horrifically dysregulating, involving lots of crying and grief and confusion. I'm hoping we can talk (which he indicated an openness to), but I don't know what I'd want to get out of it. I don't know that it's wise for us to try again or that a relationship between us is likely to work out. I don't know that there's anything that I can say or do that would be useful. I don't know that in what will likely be a tense and anxiety-inducing experience, I can learn anything explicitly that I will be able to take at face value. So maybe I'm just craving reconnection, to know that he's okay, maybe to get some indication that he still values what we had and is grieving its loss (because it fucking means something, damn it). But I also can't shake the feeling that if we really try and really do the work, we can capitalize on our love for one another and recreate all the joy and happiness that we experienced and found so easily, once upon a time. I just find myself feeling that I don't accept the logic of any argument that says it's impossible for things to work out or that we're inherently a bad match. Yes, there would be difficulties to overcome, but to say it's impossible seems like maintaining a fixed mindset and writing people off. I can say something is unlikely (or that the effort is not worth it), but I really feel like if we could just go through the logic of it--the logic of our love for one another and what it would take to make things work--we could absolutely find a way. We just have to be willing. The irony is that, on the one hand, I'm rejecting psychological determinism by maintaining a growth mindset about him and us; on the other hand, I'm maintaining psychological determinism by believing that someone's mind can be changed if only they heard exactly the right argument or combination of words. All the while, It's hard to think that the Adam I fell in love with doesn't exist, and maybe I'm chasing a ghost. I don't know. So I'm trying to get a grip so that it doesn't completely derail things I need to get done. Fuck.
This is an individal status update page, too short for a proper blog post, but it's what's going on with me as of the date of the post.